Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
