you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
