Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize