Only a mothe r could love this liver
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
