I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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