I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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