Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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