Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
