My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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