Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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