tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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