You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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