So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
