So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
