note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
