Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
