EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
