i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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