its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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