Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize