I think i sorta joined a cult last night
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
