Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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