Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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