my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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