Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he thought i was a dude.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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