Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I have fence marks all over my body
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
