The maid of honor just puked.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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