just come out here and I will go home with you...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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