When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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