Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
