It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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