got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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