All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
