Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
