I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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