Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
