Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
