i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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