She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
