I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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