Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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