wanna go halves on a baby?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize