So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
