We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
