Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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