Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Drake has all the answers
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
