But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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