you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
