wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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