Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
