I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
