so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My bed smells like the plague
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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