half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
