I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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