you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
